One year ago we said good bye and my journey began

Today, July 19, 2010 at 11:54AM it will be exactly one year that Mom held my hand, closed her eyes and passed away. That day was a defining moment in my life for many reasons. There is the obvious of course, I lost my Mom, but she was also my last living parent. Even as an adult woman it feels as if you’ve been orphaned and are left to stand alone against the world. This is even more daunting when you no longer know who you are or where you belong in that world.

For the eight years before her death I was Mom’s caregiver.  The moment I learned about her stroke I decided to take on that role and my identity became “Lori, Caregiver of Lupe the Stroke Survivor.”   I took on this task with all that I had, learning everything I could about stroke. I became Mom’s advocate and her biggest cheerleader.  But losing her left me feeling lost, alone and searching for my identity.

 I had not realized that in the process of loving and caring for mom I had lost myself. I had given up my career as a mortgage broker, I had moved from Colorado to California and back to Colorado. For eight years I had scheduled my days around doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments, daily maintenance of Mom’s care and work.  

Suddenly it was quiet. There was plenty of time, but time for what? How do I fill my days doing anything as fulfilling as how I had spent the past eight years? At times I was not sure I could manage the silence, but then I would here Mom scolding me and telling me to get up and move, the answers will come. So I decided to take a year to focus on myself.

My journey began with my website www.carepartnersresource.com.  This was a project I started two months before Mom’s passing. We were both excited to share all of the tips and information we had learned the hard way with the hope that it will make the next person’s experience easier.  Next I took on a project with National Stroke Association that allows me to follow stroke survivors on their first year of recovery.  In many ways it feels like keeping Mom alive through their stories.

During this year I traveled, spent time with family, reconnect with old friends, painted and spent many hours journaling.  

As I sit here this morning on the anniversary of Mom’s death I feel comfortable in the silence as I write my blog and remember my Mom. I realize that my journey is not complete but I am closer to knowing who I am and what I want than I was a year ago.

Stay tuned as the journey continues……